A four letter word.

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Dale Carnegie

Have you ever laid awake at night thinking about the conversation you should have had instead of the one you did? You know… the old ‘I should have said’ rerun. Well I have. Too many times. Too many lost hours of sleep recreating conversations that should have been. Why?

It could have been because I don’t think on my feet. Not my strongest skill so that is certainly one reason. But is it really what keeps me from speaking my mind? Or more accurately, speaking my heart? Is it really what has kept me up at night? If I am honest, the answer is no.

Lets try fear on for size. The four letter word that is much more powerful than possibly any other in the English language. Fear. It is what keeps us from trying. Keeps us from failing. Keeps us from learning, knowing… living. It can also keep us from being happy.

So one day I decided to see what was on the other side of that fear. I bared down through the anxiety attack. I powered through the shaking. I walked forward while my heart raced and blood pounded through my veins. And I did something hard. I walked away from something that was not good for me. I tried something I knew I wouldn’t be good at. And I had a conversation that was uncomfortable.

And would you believe that on the other side of that I found happy? My anxiety attack stopped. My shaking subsided and my heartrate went back to normal. I didn’t die. And I was happy.

This was not a one time occurrence. Believe me. I go through this process every time I tackle something I am uncomfortable with. Fear is a powerful emotion. But it is an emotion I am becoming comfortable with. I am becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because I know on the other side of it is where I will find happy.

So be comfortable with fear. Make that phone call. Go meet that person. Ask for that raise. Try that new thing. Go after what it is that you really want. Face your fear. It is not such a bad word after all. For on the other side… is happy. Trust me.

*This is part 1 of a 3 part post on fear, rejection and vulnerability that I am excited to share with you. Stay tuned for more.

Dear 20 year old self.

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.”

Lalah Deliah

As you know, if you read my last blog, I recently turned 50. I received a birthday card that instructed me to write a letter to my 20 year old self and then to my 60 year old self. I thought, hmmm, might be interesting. Then I received the same card a couple days later. Then I thought, Okay Okay! I got the point! So here it goes… Letter 1.

Dear self,

You don’t know me. I am you at 50 and I am going to tell you a story. Promise me you won’t freak out… read the whole letter until the end. Promise? Okay. Here’s the deal…

In the next year, you are going to meet someone that isn’t always kind to you. You are going to raise 2 step-children. You are going to work a lot of short term jobs and move around a lot. A lot! Don’t worry – you get good at purging and packing. You are going to endure multiple periods of financial stress. You will experience darkness and incredible loneliness. You will even suffer through depression and anxiety. You will doubt yourself at every turn and down every road. You won’t get to see your family very often and you won’t have a lot of friends. You will look at yourself in the mirror and feel ugly. You will become lost. But that is chapter one… there is second chapter.

You will power through that first chapter. You will walk forward through the mud and the rain and the storm. Your legs will keep moving. Your heart will patiently wait for it’s moment to open again. Your head will fight to clear. You will be tired but you will keep going. Through all of that, you will be building a foundation for who you are meant to be. And when the storm clears… oh, when that storm clears… you will feel the most glorious sunshine.

You will discover your own strength. You will be surprised by it at first. But it will be bold. You will have success in your career. And then you will have the courage to start a new, better career. You will challenge yourself constantly and you will grow. You will be adventurous. You will learn. You will be healthy and strong, both physically and mentally. You will live in a place the gives you mountains and lakes and sunshine. You will meet people that give you energy and hope and laughter. You will have family that hold you up and cheer you on. You will feel love.

You will lose your shyness and become sure and confident. You will embrace your fears and be brave. You will be compassionate and kind but still firstly fill your own cup with happiness. You will incur wisdom and self awareness. You will look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful but not because of what you see in the mirror but who you see in the mirror. You will love yourself.

So don’t be afraid when things look dark. Step forward as you are meant to. Stay the course and know that you are becoming something fierce. Know that you are going to find joy and happiness in everything around you. Know that you will feel respect and admiration. Know that you stand tall, breathe deep and say, I am loved.

I am good. I am happy. I am love.

Yours truly.

P.S. I am proud of you kid.

Half a century.

“Do not grow old, no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.”

Albert Einstein

It’s my birthday. But not just any birthday. Today, I am 50. Yup. The big 5… 0…

I am not afraid of that number. Quite the opposite. I am excited about it. I could not wait to turn 50 and now here I am. 50 glorious years old. 50 years wise. 50 years beautiful. 50 years strong.

The last half century has been filled with so many lessons. So many opportunities to learn. To grow. I have become this woman who can stand tall and look people in the eye with truth and confidence because I believe I have earned that right. Every day of the last 50 years has taught me something. Every day has created this person I have become. This person I am so proud of. Not just the good days but all the bad days too. The ups and the downs, the sideways and the loop-de-loops. All of them.

And now I have the next half of the century to look forward too. More learning, more growing, more living. What is tomorrow going to bring? And the next day? The next year, the next decade… I don’t believe in growing old. Neither mentally or physically. I don’t believe in slowing down. Or using the excuse “I am too old for this shit” (okay, yes I have said that in the past – mostly at the gym – but I didn’t really MEAN it). Some might say that I have earned the right to coast now. Coast for the next 50 years. That just sounds all kinds of boring. Long, dull and boring.

So what will I do for the next 50 years? Hmmm. I have some ideas. I have some plans. But the most exciting part of all is that… I don’t know. I really don’t. I can make all the plans in the world and one day life will just decide to present me with another option. Another plan. A better plan. And I will only notice it if I am still learning. Growing. Living. Not coasting. Never coasting. The better plan can only be seen if you have your eyes open and your mind and heart willing.

My eyes are open. My mind and heart are strong and willing. I am ready for the next 50 years.

What indeed will you bring me next my sweet life? What indeed…

Misdiagnosed co-dependent.

“Bottom line: be yourself. It’s exhausting if you’re not. And if you get enough people to dislike you, you’ll be left with a new bunch of people who love you for who you really are.”

James Smith

We all want people to love us. Of course we do. But at what cost? What are you willing to do or give to receive that love. And if you need to do or give away something of yourself to receive that love, to earn it, is it real?

I spent years upon years becoming someone I wasn’t just to please somebody else. To be loved. To be good enough. To be accepted. I was labelled a people pleaser. Co-dependent. I made choices that I didn’t agree with and even lied, all to unsuccessfully please that one person. For that one person, I gave up myself… I got lost. My identity became muddy. Blurred. Faded.

The truth, my truth, is that I am not that person. I am not, nor have I ever been a people pleaser or co-dependent. I care little about what people think of me. Correction. I care little about what strangers or mere acquaintances think of me. I am not afraid to be goofy in public. To act upon a dare. Or to worry about offending those that cause unnecessary drama or gossip. To give thought and energy to those that judge or disrespect me is just not in my nature. I lost myself once in order to cope with a life I was embedded in. But it was never my nature.

To be yourself and to be loved should never require a different mindset. Separate sources of energy. It should require no energy at all. Just pure peace. Pure joy. Pure soul. Trust in yourself. Trust in your own true character. Be confident in who you are without trying to ‘make’ others love you. Do this and you will find love in your life greater than yourself. You won’t have to look.

Today… I am true. I am confident. I am loved.

No bad lessons.

“When you accept yourself, you are freed from the burden of needing others to accept you. Don’t allow anyone or anything control, limit, repress, or discourage you from being your true self.”

Steve Maraboli

I’ve had an ‘aha’ moment. It came to me after writing a recent post. I struggled with that post. Firstly because I was rushed and couldn’t make it ‘my perfect’. No big deal. Secondly because I shared the draft with someone and asked for feedback.

The feedback came from a very kind and well educated gentleman who was so very happy to be asked for his opinion. He was sweet with his pointers and suggestions. I was looking for feedback on the content of my post. He was trying to give an English lesson. And as you know if you are reading this, my writing will never win any English essays. Nor are they intended too.

I listened to the intended lesson with gratitude, respect and openness as I always do. But it made me question myself. I let it frazzle me. Stress me out… Hello anxiety, my oldest friend… how are you?

I read the post over and over again. Finding flaws. But the flaws I found were not in the grammar or spelling. The flaws were in the lack of ‘me’ that I like to pour into my writing. I realized that I let some well meaning tips and suggestions bring me back to a place that I thought I had left behind. That place of self-doubt. That place of not being good enough. Oh how close that place continues to be for me. Always beckoning. Always such a short trip away.

So I stopped. Revisited my intention. Here comes the ‘aha’ moment… I asked myself who I was really writing this for. A kind, well educated gentleman?… A supportive friend who likes my writing?… A struggling person who needs to know they are not alone?…

Ultimately, nope.

I am writing this for me. These are my words. This is my voice. You don’t have to read it. You don’t have to share it. You don’t have to like it. I will always be grateful for feedback. But at the end of the day, I decide. I straightened up, turned my back on that place of self-doubt and once again, walked away.

I write. I publish. I heal. I decide.

Doing the hard things. Part 2.

It’s a great quote… worth repeating…

“If we always choose comfort, we will never learn the deepest capabilities of our mind or body.”

Wim Hof

Well. I did it. I walked into Okanagan Lake on November 17, 2020. I walked confidently and boldly and it was amazing. I felt every cell of my body come alive. I was alive.

I had a short amount of time to write Part 1 of this blog so let me digress a bit. Leading up to this moment I travelled through a gambit of emotions and mind numbing noise. Fear. Anxiousness. Nervousness. Excitement. Anticipation.

Anticipation. Let’s visit that one. What was the hardest part of this entire process was without doubt, hesitation or question… the anticipation. Part 1. Part 1 is what sometimes holds us back from doing the hard things. From committing ourselves to follow through. To step up. To step out. Anticipation can be a glorious part of our process. But it can also be the detriment. We can allow the anticipation to consume us and control us. But as I mentioned in part 1. It is only temporary. The anticipation is ALWAYS temporary. Because regardless of how the story ends, the anticipation will end. It has too. Whether it is a happy ending or a disappointing ending. Anticipation passes and the deed… the experience… is done.

In this case, the story had a good ending. I did what I set out to do. And what an amazing experience. What a ride. I didn’t walk in to that water and let loose a string of expletives that would make a trucker blush. I didn’t walk in and scream like a little girl at a Justin Bieber concert. I walked in and thought to myself, I can do this and it is doable. I can and I will and I did.

I walked in and I felt cold. I felt courage. I felt strength. I noticed the clarity of the water enveloping my body. The softness of the sand at my feet. The fresh scent of the air entering my lungs. Breath in. Breath out.

In this moment, everything stopped and my mind became still. And it was beautiful.

I can do the hard things.

And I noticed the laughter. The team of misfits that walked with me. Led me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Doing the hard things. Part 1.

“If we always choose comfort, we will never learn the deepest capabilities of our mind or body.”

Wim Hof

Guess what I am doing today. Waaaayyyyy out of my comfort zone. Yup. I am walking into a lake. In November. I am doing this. The polar dip.

Let me walk you through my day so far. It started out sleepy as I was up for 2 hours last night obsessing about my commitment to my friend to do this crazy thing.

Ok wait. Let’s back up a bit. I had heard about cold water therapy and Wim Hof (look him up, he’s amazing!) for about a year now. No big deal. Then someone else recently reminded me of him and his amazing teachings. Getting closer. Then a friend who I admire greatly and would blindly trust with my life asked me if I would do a polar dip with her. I said no. She said it was all she wanted for her birthday. Fuck. I committed.

So back to today. Sleepy but trying to stay calm. Keeping focused. Writing as it is my meditation. Focus. Focus. Focus. Doing a bit of research on breathing. Good. Feeling good. I can do this. I can do hard things.

In my mind I am picturing myself walking towards the water. Calmly but not too slow. Steady and strong. Determined and focused. After all this is only temporary state. And that is my key. This is temporary. Isn’t everything really? It can all be temporary if you choose to let it go. Pain can be temporary. Stress can be temporary. Even laughter is temporary. And cold… Cold is temporary.

Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out.

Here I go.

Gratitude, faith and courage.

“When faith and courage meet, the world changes.”

Unknown (but it is posted above my bathroom sink to remind me)

I wake up each day trying to practice gratitude. Today I will try even harder to appreciate and not complain about the little things. To find positive over negative. I will start by appreciating faith and courage. Today seems to be a good day for this focus.

I remember the first few months that I was on my own thinking, how am I going to do all the things I want to do? I had a limited income as I had never truly focused on a career before. But I was now free to do and experience what I wanted. Which was to travel. I really wanted to travel. I also wanted to own a modestly nice home. A nice car. With the features I wanted and not someone else. But all of these things took more than my limited income could cover. I sadly thought that the only way I would have financial freedom would be if I met someone that was financially stable. That was stupid. And I hated that I was so ready to depend on someone again. Once again, I was wrong.

What happened after is still something that causes me to pause and wonder in amazement. And what happened after is not one thing. Not one event or one occurrence. It was a string of days, months and years that came together simply because I decided that I could do all the things I wanted to do and have all the things I wanted to have. And I didn’t need anyone else to achieve my goals. It was all up to me. No one was stopping me. The ceiling, my ceiling, was shattered.

What happened was, I began to believe. To have faith. In me. I started by setting my mind to ask ‘why not?’ instead of ‘why?’. And things started happening. My income increased because I said it should. An opportunity to join a successful part time business presented itself. I started getting requests for custom artwork again. Things just started to happen. All because I believed.

Sounds easy but it was not. Just believe. Two simple words that took an immense amount of courage to say. To trust. To have faith. It all takes courage. I stood with my head held high and I believed that I could do whatever I set my mind to do. And it didn’t just fall in my lap. It didn’t appear one day and bam! Life got better. It took patience and hard work. It took putting myself out there to be open to change. To be on the battlefield ready. To face fear and vulnerability. But I stood my ground and I walked forward. I didn’t charge. It wasn’t really a battlefield. I walked forward on steady feet. And even when they weren’t steady… I stumbled forward. Always forward.

Faith and courage. And gratitude. So much gratitude.

The blame game is lame.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”

Dr. Robert Anthony

I grew up in a family of seven. Three sisters, one brother and two parents. My family is my constant. My parents my role model. My siblings and I were always their priority. We never doubted being wanted. They taught me all of the most important things I value today. Honesty, respect, hard work, kindness… and accountability.

I have met a lot of people that have suffered abusive relationships and there is often a common background story of neglect and/or abuse that led up to the relationship. So why did I go down the path I did? Why, when I had parents who gave me everything they had available to them, beautifully and unselfishly? Where did I go wrong? It took me a great deal of reluctant digging to find where and how I got off of a healthy path. Reluctant because I knew I had no one to blame. I had no narcissistic or abusive adult to point a finger at. I was not neglected by an alcoholic parent. So then, I had to look at myself.

I was a painfully shy kid. The kid that hid behind my mother or father when we went anywhere because I couldn’t talk to anyone. On top of that, I always felt different than everyone else. I just didn’t feel like I belonged. When I got older, I found myself wanting more than what I could find in my small hometown. I wanted adventure and challenge. But. I was so shy. So scared of the world. I was stuck. I was stuck and hungry. I was stuck and looking to belong. And then I met him.

He entered my world promising a life of excitement. He told me stories of his travels. Stories of his adventures. Plans of more to come. And I hooked my wagon up to his train for the free ride. Because that was the hook. I was waiting for the free ride. The ride where I didn’t have to overcome my shyness. Or be brave enough to face any challenges on my own. I could just let someone else take control. I took the easy road. We never went on any of those adventures. There was little excitement and a lot of hardship. Struggles. Battles. I took what I thought was the easy road but in fact in was a very hard road. And a long one.

There is no easy road. I know that now. The easy road isn’t so fun. It is not filled with the adventure and excitement that you think it is. It is a dangerous road and I travelled it. And I am accountable for that path. I took that path because I didn’t know how or want to know how to make my own. So I cannot blame a guy who made me feel disrespected and worthless. I cannot blame an upbringing that was nothing but happy and safe. I can only look at the choices I made and understand that I and I alone am accountable.

Accountable for the hard life I chose. The hard times I endured. The life I changed. The life I now own and embrace. And… (pay attention – this is important!)… for not making the same mistake twice. Accountability works both ways. And when you own the bad choices, it leaves space for you to learn. To make better choices. To be better. And I am also accountable for that. Accountable for my courage. My own adventures. My happy.

So do I point a finger at someone else because life got hard? Nope.

The blame game is lame. Look in the mirror. Because that person is the only one ultimately responsible for your life.

Give me a new mind.

“The two things in life you are in total control over are your attitude and your effort.”

Billy Cox

I spend approximately 6 hours at the gym each week training my body. Training to be strong. Training to be healthy. Training to be in this life for the long haul and kicking ass when I am 80. This is what I do for my physical health. But I’ll admit I slack off on training my mind. Controlling my attitude. Putting in the work for my mental health. Also to be in this life for the long haul and kicking ass. Success is an attitude. Growth is an attitude. Happiness is an attitude. And if we don’t train our minds to control our attitudes, none of that is attainable or sustainable. Just like if we are not physically active, our physical health is not attainable or sustainable. It just isn’t. Simple.

I can tell you from my own experience that training your mind to control your attitude is harder than any amount of push ups at the gym. It takes more strength and perseverance that any physical activity I do. It takes constant reminders. Constant. Like any kind of training that we do, it takes repetitions. And it is so easy to procrastinate and get lazy. So easy to get off track. Because let’s face it, we get knocked down. And the easy road is to wallow in self pity. To judge and gossip. To be angry and bitter. I am so good at all of these things! Way too good. But like anything else, practice is key. I catch myself. I pivot. Train my mind to control my attitude. Find something, anything, to appreciate. No matter how small because the small movements can also get you closer to your goal. And my goal is to be a positive and energetic influence to those around me. I think it’s a good goal.

A friend of mine introduced me to one of my favorite songs last year… ‘Rejoice’ by Steve Angello. There is so much in this song that resonates with me… here is just a little piece of it…

Put your hand on your head and say: Give me a new mind
Give me new mind means give me a new perspective
Give me a new perspective
Give me a new way of looking at my situation
Give me a new way of looking at my circumstances
Get my mind ready for this year
Because when I get this year there’s gonna be blessings
There’s gonna be miracles, there’s gonna to be opportunities
Oh, yes, it’s gonna be some struggles
It’s gonna be some challenges
It’s gonna be some tests
But even the struggles are an opportunity for me to show off
The victory if my mind can handle the change

I play this song for when I forget. When I am slow on the pivot. When I get knocked down.

I put my hand on my head and say ‘Give me a new mind’. And take a deep breath. And pivot.