“Do not touch me and keep your soul out of your fingertips… Die into me or don’t come to me at all.”
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Loneliness is proving to be tougher than I thought. I am surrounded by friends and family. I have a full life and I am happy. Yet there is that hole. Something missing. I spend my days full and loved and still go home alone. And wake up alone. I wish I would be okay with this. I want to be okay with this. I want to fully appreciate all that I have without feeling the presence of this hole. This stupid aching hole.
When I was gathering the courage to leave, I came to terms with the possibility that I would spend the rest of my life without a partner. I was okay with that. Anything had to be better than what I was living. If I had to do it again, I would make the same choice over and over. But I did not expect to feel this ache. This ache angers me as it is an invasion of my happiness. Yet I refuse to settle for something that just exists to fill that hole. That is not my fairy tale and I want the fairy tale.
I want the fairy tale and in that fairy tale I have a new best friend. My old one didn’t work out too well. He made me feel worthless. He made me feel unwanted. This was someone that I thought, I hoped, would be my best friend. I was foolish and naive.
I am still struggling to overcome the damage from my last best friend. Honestly, I am not sure I am ready for a new one yet. But I do know that if and when I am ready for a new best friend that he will be kind. He will be strong. As strong as me and as weak as me. It takes strength to be weak. He will take me to places I need to go when I don’t want to go. And when I stubbornly resist – and I will – he will carry me. And I will carry him when he is tired from carrying me. He will teach me and I will teach him. He will get angry with me and I will get angry with him. And he will kiss me like I am the only other person in the world because he will be the only other person in the world.
My best friend will lift me up and push me forward and make me a better person when I don’t know how to be a good person.
He will be my fairy tale. He will be my best friend. And I will not settle for less.
I was going over some of my journal entries from the past 4 years wondering what to write about for my next post. There is a lot to go over. I write a lot. I couldn’t decide what should come next. And then something happened.
I taught my first group fitness class. I decided last fall that I wanted to pursue this. I have become so passionate about physical health as well as mental health and have made such great progress on the physical side that I just wanted to help others reach their goals. I have been dancing around this decision for about 6 months now. Even making ‘tentative’ commitments to take on some classes and always finding a reason not too. I would chicken out. And then something came up for my trainer and he asked me to help out. I didn’t have much time to think about it. I paused for a few minutes. And then I jumped in. Now or never.
I loved it. I loved every minute of it so much. So much that I couldn’t sleep that night. While I was lying awake it dawned on me that there is no way I would have done this 4 years ago. 10 years ago. I lived my life with a ceiling pressing down on me. That ceiling was a person. I remember every time I wanted to do better, be better, I would hit my head on that ceiling. That ceiling that would tell me why I couldn’t. That my idea was stupid. Or didn’t even exist. And I believed it every time. Dismissing my idea or cutting short a side project to make sure dinner was served. That was my ceiling.
So after this first class and the sleepless night that followed, I went back and reviewed my writing once again and thought I would share this one written from when I was still so close to the edge of that rabbit hole…
1 Year and 7 months after. Who Am I now? I look back on who I was and I don’t recognize myself. I know that is a good thing but who was that person? Why did I become that person? Was I always that person? Is the person that exists now so very new? I am astonished and ashamed at that sad and withdrawn shell that existed. That shell that was me. And yet I am so afraid of that shell that was me. Someone that was so sad and weak but yet can bring out a cold fear in me. Fear that she is not gone and that she can swallow me whole again one day. Something so sad and weak and yet so powerful and hovering. Always there. Always hovering. I want to not be afraid of that powerfully weak hovering shell. I want take the power away from that shell.
I read this now and I know that there is no longer any power to that shell. I do not fear it. I fear other things. But I do not fear becoming that person I no longer recognize. I understand how she got to be and understanding took her power away. I look at fear in a new way now. I look at fear and I see a challenge. I look at fear and I see a fitness trainer. A business professional. An artist. A writer.
I have a premonition that soars on silver wings, It is a dream of my accomplishments Of many wondrous things. I do not know under which sky, Or where I will challenge fate. I only know it will be high. I only know it will be great”
Thank you Audrey for sharing this with me while I was fighting that shell. You knew I would win.
“Sometimes you just have to shift your focus from how did I get here; to how do I leave here.”
People often ask me my story. I don’t offer to make it a topic of conversation but I am not afraid to tell you if you ask. It is all just facts to me now. It happened and it is a part of me. I always wonder though how they see me after they know. I wonder how you see me after you read my posts. Has your view of me changed if you know me? How do you see me if you don’t know me? I try to put myself in your shoes but we all see things the way we want to see them. Not necessarily how they are. And how you see things is something I have no control over.
My story is not easy to understand unless you have lived a similar story. Walked a similar path. If my writing can help one person then it is worth putting myself out there on the world wide web for all to see. For all to judge. But if you judge, that’s yours – keep it. It does not affect me.
I was so young when I first met my husband. I was waiting for adventure but had no idea how to look for it. To afraid to look for it. I knew I wanted more from life. I wanted bigger and better. But I was so painfully shy. I was not courageous or confident enough to stand on my own. I lived in an imaginary quiet room with no windows because that was safe. I liked it there because the big bad world couldn’t hurt me. The world couldn’t hurt me because I was prettier than some. Couldn’t think I was a bitch because I didn’t know how to talk to people. Couldn’t laugh at me because I said something silly and not on purpose. I was too sensitive for any of it. So I just sat in my little imaginary room and waited for adventure to come get me. Then it did. I was such an easy target. I was all too willing to ride on the coattails of someone who seemed to know where to find adventure. Someone who could paint the right image, imaginary though it was. I wanted adventure the easy way. So… I fell down the rabbit hole.
I have spent many hours contemplating how I ended up where I did. It didn’t make sense to me. And in order to heal, I needed it to make sense. I had a dream childhood. Great parents, great home, great life. But as I have said before and will say again, we are all accountable for our journey. We make the choices that put us on our path. And we can choose to learn from those choices or we can blame everyone and everything else for our circumstances. I blame no one. In my case, I found someone to lead me. I let that happen. I was not ready and willing to take control of my own failures and successes and I paid for it. That’s okay. I am in a better place because of it.
I am still that sensitive girl that hurts deeply. But I also care deeply. Love deeply. I don’t know any other way to do it. It is who I am but at least now I have courage and strength to keep me out of the rabbit hole.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
I have not changed. I am the same person as I don’t believe people change their true selves. I believe they hide pieces of themselves. Either to look better to others or to appear stronger than they are or maybe just to cope. I believe I have always been this person but have hidden so many important pieces of me because I felt I had no other choice. I hid them because I was afraid how people would see me. And then I hid more pieces because I was afraid of… my life. I am strong but I could not show it as I had to be the weaker one. I am smart but I could not show it as I had to be the dumber one. I am beautiful but I could not show it as I had to be the lesser one.
Now I can be all of those things with no fear. It is overwhelming. My life has changed. The people in my life are changing. The circumstances in my life are changing. These changes are powerful. So powerful that most days I feel completely out of control.
My first year of breaking away from the fear that consumed me in my marriage was exhilarating. A year of freedom. Peace. Laughter. I thought that was it. My life was going forward and I was loving every moment of it. Then year two came along and I crashed. The high was over and before I even began to realize what was happening, year two had come and gone and left me with nothing more than ‘WTF was that?’. In the third year I realized that crash was a result of all the losses that come with a marriage ending. And I was not dealing with my losses. So many wounds to close and so many scars that still needed to form. My emotions overtook me. I was angry. I was overwhelmed. I was frustrated. I was not on a rollercoaster. I WAS a frickin’ rollercoaster.
In the fourth year I finally realized that this is just my life changing and there was and always will be work to do. Lessons to learn. Now just into my fifth year, I continue to make mistakes. Big mistakes. But I am learning from each one of them and that is what matters. I am still learning how to be me and I will always be learning how to be me.
Don’t be shy about asking for help. It doesn’t mean your weak, it only means you’re wise.”
My family is my world. I grew up with more love than I could have asked for. Their support is and always will be my rock. When I was going through my darkest times I did not tell anyone what I was dealing with, including my family. It was not to exclude them. In part it was my fear that out of their love for me, they would push me to make a change that I was not ready to make. A part of me knew that I had to find the courage to do this on my own and in my own time. The other part of me had simply forgotten how to ask for help.
During my 24 year relationship, I felt like I was being distanced from people that were important to me. As a result of that I learned to deal with everything on my own. Whether it was as complex as my emotions or as simple as needing help with a task at work or home. Asking for help seemed to have consequences. So I did not ask. That still follows me today.
I do not ask anyone to help me fix my doorbell or shovel my driveway or decorate my house at Christmas. I just do it myself. I am not proud of this. It is my ‘bad habit’. I am learning that asking for help is a good thing and I am trying. It builds strong relationships. Healthy relationships. It lets people in. It lets people see that I cannot do everything myself and that I need them. This ‘bad habit’ of mine that has taken 24 years to build does not reverse in 4 years. But I am trying.
And so in summary, I write this post as a message to all of my family and friends who wish so much that they could have been there for me. I write this so that I can assure them that they were there then and they are now. And I write this because I suck at telling them how much that means to me. Something else I am working on.
So if you know someone that you thinks needs your help, no matter how much you think you are in the dark or left out or feeling helpless, you are not. You are THERE. Stay there. Be there. Because when someone doesn’t know how to be helped or ask for help, knowing who is in their corner is everything. Believe me, that helps.
Please note that this is just my experience and in no way do I speak for others out there. Each individual deals with each situation in their own way. If you have real concerns about someone, search for professional resources or help in your area.
You may have read the story about the kitchen garbage bag titled ‘The Beginning’. I chose that title as that day was the beginning of a new life. A free life. But since that post, I have had a few people ask me what happened the night before. I will tell you that the night before was like most other nights. Another fight. Another night of all the things I did wrong and all the ways I fell short. Another sleepless night. Like so many others. But it was my last. I was done.
So what I think you are really asking is ‘what was the end?’. The end happened on December 7, 2014. This was the day he broke his ankle.
This was not a good marriage up to this point to begin with. I think that goes without saying but I will say it anyways. But this particular winter I had a lot to look forward too. We were going to travel to Saskatchewan to visit my family for Christmas which usually happened about once every 7-8 years. I did not get to see my family nearly as often as I would have liked so I was very excited. Shortly after we were to arrive home from Saskatchewan we were going on a vacation to Las Vegas and San Diego, finally using our time share that we had purchased about 7 years back. To top off the exciting adventures, we accepted an invitation to a friends Christmas party. That last one may not seem like much to most people but we did not have much of a social life so it was just the cherry on the top. I planned my outfit two weeks prior. As I said, I didn’t get out much.
The Christmas party was on December 6th. He broke his ankle trying to walk home from the party in the early hours of the next day.
That ended the exciting adventures. Home for Christmas. Vacation. Gone. I had finally had something to look forward to and it was all gone. I walked out of the hospital the day the surgeon told him he didn’t advise traveling and I broke down in the parking lot and I cried. I felt embarrassed. When people walk out of a hospital crying, it is because they have, or are worried of, losing someone they love. I cried my heart out because I lost a Christmas with my family. I felt pathetic. But as dark as this moment felt, this wasn’t the end.
The end was what followed. The recovery time. I have never in my life felt so emotionally abused. So low. So broken down. So alone. Nothing I did was right. Nothing I did was enough. These were the real dark moments. But in those dark moments I realized that this time, he would recover. This time, there would be an end. I realized that if this had been something worse than a broken ankle, something that he would not recover from, that this would be my life. For the rest of my life. And then I realized something else. I realized that no one has to live this way. No one DESERVES to live this way. For better or worse does not cover this. I realized that I deserved better. I realized that I had to leave.
You spend four hours packing things that are from another life. Things that you need to fit into your new life. Most of it you don’t even want but out of financial necessity, you know you need to. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to just start completely over? However, practicality needs the front seat. So you spend half your day packing up stuff. Things. Your things. His things. Things that use to be your things. Packing them away for a new life. Your world has been shattered and split into numerous boxes to go to different places. It’s all stuff. Things. And none of it matters. It’s not your home anymore. And it’s funny how quickly your realize that it no longer feels like home. This place you you once loved so much and had so much hope for. THIS was going to be the happy place. Each one of the 8 or so homes that you lived in you thought would be the happy place. This would be the place that wouldn’t have bad memories left behind. A memory of a bad fight. A memory of a drunken or sleepless night. They all carried them. You left them and moved on and this one is no different.
And now you know that things will never be the same. You will never be the same. You don’t know what that looks like yet but you know you feel different. You exist. And you can feel that you exist. Some may understand that statement and some may not but that’s the best way I can explain it. At this point you just exist and you just “stand, the fuck, up”. That is a quote from one of my favorite books. “This is Happy” by Camilla Gibb. And that is one of my favorite quotes because that is really what you have to do. It is complicated but also so simple. When life knocks you down. When circumstances knock you down. When situations knock you down. That’s what you do. You are going to need to remind yourself that many times in your journey but always always always… just “stand, the fuck, up”. I did not stand up for almost 24 years. He never thought I would. He was wrong.
I have gone through a huge transformation over the past 4 years. I have made great progress in my professional career, my personal relationships and my physical well being allowing my confidence level to soar!
After living for so long in a negative environment and not being encouraged to believe in myself, my mental health took a beating. I walked behind people with my eyes glued to the ground and my shoulders slumped. I let people tell me what to do and when to do it because I believed that what I had to say didn’t matter. I was wrong.
Last year I had a conversation with a new friend about how tall I am. I am 5’2”. She did not believe me. She gave me one of the greatest compliments that I have ever had. She said “but you seem so much taller”. Her words hit me in the heart. And I believe she meant it. I believe it because I no longer walk with my shoulders slumped and my eyes glued to the floor. I walk tall. I walk proud. Because I am.
Working on my mental health is an ongoing battle and not an easy one. It is a daily struggle of ‘walking tall’. Of holding my head up and facing the day without fear. Some days I win. Some days I don’t. But every day I get up and I try. One of the things that has been instrumental in my mental health has been my physical health. I began exercising regularly almost 4 years ago. I started out slow. And each year I push myself harder. And the harder I push myself, the easier it becomes to get up and try. I truly believe without a shadow of doubt that my increased physical health has saved my mental health.
Physical health does so much for us. Research it. There are countless articles that support this. Our energy. Our mood. Our confidence. The benefits are truly endless in regards to our mental health. I have become such a huge advocate for physical wellness that I am working on becoming a fitness trainer. Something I never thought I would be able to do. But if this journey has taught me anything, it is that anything is possible. Any purpose can be my purpose. If I can help one person achieve better mental health through increased physical health then… well… getting up every day and trying just became a little easier!
It was January 6th, 2016. I took a kitchen garbage bag and I stuffed a few toiletries and a few clothes and I went to work as I normally do at my usual time. It was the only way I could think of to leave undetected. I had no intention of going home that day. That was the beginning.
I was terrified but in a numb sort of way. Shock, fear, disbelief and numbness. I did it. I got out. Or so I thought. I had no idea that you don’t just walk out and your life changes. It doesn’t happen that way. It’s just not that easy. The road ahead is not going to be what I expect and the journey had just begun. A series of failures and triumphs. Not in that order. You fall down and you get back up again. Sometimes you don’t feel like it and sometimes it takes longer but you always get back up again.
My whole adult life felt like someone was telling me who I should be. Who I was. Who I wasn’t. What I could and could not do. What I liked. What I didn’t. I call it mind control. I don’t know how else to describe it. Where your normal becomes the unacceptable, the unacceptable becomes your normal. It took me years to realize that my definition of normal was not acceptable. Then it took me years to realize that I couldn’t fix it. Then it took me more years to find the courage to walk away.
It is odd that when this story first began, I thought that I had a direction and a purpose. I did not. It was just step one. I did not comprehend how many other purposes I would need to discover. How many other directions would and could be presented to me. There is no GPS for this life and that is a good thing. Even if I could just punch in the end destination, would I choose to go on auto-pilot? No. How can I choose to miss all the amazing ways that I am discovering who I am and what I am capable of?
There are no ‘if only’s’ in this story. You will never read them because I will never write them. We are who we are because of what we live. More specifically, what we learn (and do not learn) from what we live. I like who I am. I hold my head up and will do so for the rest of my life. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that to love myself is to embrace my journey and give it the proper place in my heart.
“Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination”
P.S. Please do not read my story and feel sorry for me. I do not feel sorry for me and neither should you. I found a better path and the courage to walk it. Read my story and, if you can, practice compassion and understanding for the family member, friend, neighbor that is trying to pack their own kitchen garbage bag.
I did not dream up this life when I was a little girl. Like any other little girl, I dreamed of the big beautiful wedding with the gorgeous white dress that everyone would adore. I dreamed of the beautiful and spacious home I would have. I dreamed of all the friends I would be surrounded by. I dreamed of sharing my life with the man of my dreams and the perfect kids we would have. I dreamed as most any other little girls did.
No one dreams of getting divorced. Of financial stress. Of troubled kids that worry you every day. Of getting cancer or some other disease. We don’t dream of these things and yet they happen. Life. Happens. It is messy and it is complicated and it is hard. This is what life may bring us and if we keep trying, we still get out of bed every morning and strive for better. If we keep trying, we will have people that make us laugh and love and stand tall. If we keep trying, we will make it through this messy life and find joy and peace and pride. If we keep trying. If we never stop trying.
Welcome to my messy life. Welcome to my Blog. I hope that you get something from it. Mostly, I hope that you see that you are not alone. Your messy life runs parallel to mine and so many others. Our struggles will differ. But our trying should be uniform.