The fighter.

“We cannot control what emotions or circumstances we will experience next, but we can choose how we will respond to them.”

Gary Zukav

Over the past 4 years and 3 months I worked incredibly hard to be in control of my life. I dug. I pushed. I pulled. I stood. And I took control. There was no longer anyone telling me what I should do or where I should go. Or what I should like or not like. I was in control.

It took a lot of trial and error. I was finally in a place where all the pieces in my life were coming together. I had so much to look forward to. Finally a year that was mine to shape into what I wanted it to be. Or so I thought. One by one, things fell. Day by day, things changed. Hour by hour, things disappeared. And there was not a damn thing I could do about it. All that control was gone. Like a slow, painful magic trick… poof.

I stood by helplessly. Helpless. This time not someone but something told me what I should do. Where I could go. Circumstance that no one including me could control. Helpless. And I hated it. I wanted to scream. Kick. Pull hair. Anything to fight this loss. I can handle a fight. I am familiar with a fight. I am not afraid of a fight. And there it is. Fear.

I am not afraid of a fight but helpless, now that’s another enemy. I am afraid of helpless. I am afraid of this loss of control. I don’t know what to do and I am left standing here without a plan. So what do I do? Where do I go? Now what? Panic sets in if you let it.

Let me share something with you. No matter what is going on around you, you are never fully out of control and fully helpless. True story. There is always one thing that you can control. Always. Ready? Your thoughts. That is fully in your control. No one else can control that. No other thing. No circumstance. No situation. Nothing! Nothing can control your thoughts. Your thoughts determine how you react. How you handle something. How you control what’s inside of you. So, turns out you still have control. Huh. Imagine that.

While I was standing there looking for my fight, I suddenly remembered this. I may not be able to control what is happening in the world around me but I can control how I react to it. So I am choosing to get back in control of my life. My life. I may not be able to do the things or go the places I had originally planned but I can still control if I accept it or not. That is my thoughts and they are mine and only mine. Look at that. I won again.

I have choices. I have control. I have life.