A square peg and a round hole.

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes…”

Steve Jobs

I have spent my whole life trying to fit in. Right from when I was a kid. Trying to be as outgoing and confident as my siblings. Trying to be as cool as my friends.

And then once I got to college, trying to be as bold and driven as my school mates.

I tried my best to make myself fit in every group but never really got the hang of it. And then I met my then husband and it took the pressure off of trying to fit in. I let him control everything which meant that I didn’t have too. I just had to please him.

But what about now? It’s been over seven years since I have been on my own and I realize that I still don’t fit in. I still do things differently and struggle to get people to understand why. And I get frustrated when they don’t. I try to explain myself, justify myself and end up feeling like I am setting myself further apart.

And I always seem to unintentionally hurt someone. As a kid, I ditched my family to hang out with my friends. As an adult, I chose events with my family over my friends. New relationships over solid steady ones. I kept trying, not figuring out what the problem was or why.

Until I realized, the problem was me apologizing for it.

Trying to fit in was keeping me from… being me. Maybe I was never meant to fit in. Does everyone have to fit in to a group to be accepted? Or even more importantly, to accept themselves? Do I need to fit in to be happy? Is it my job to keep everyone else happy?

I ask myself, what accomplishments am I most proud of? And when I ask myself that question, I realize it is all the things that have set me apart. That make me an individual.

So what if I never fit in? Is that okay? What if I am always doing something different that not everyone can understand? I am okay with that. No, I am proud of that. I am going to stop explaining myself. Stop justifying myself. I am going to just keep plowing through unknown territories and continue to tell the stories of everything I learn and discover. I am going to continue to be different and not apologize for it.

A square peg in a round hole… no. Just a peg that doesn’t need to fit any hole. I’ll stand up on a flat surface and continue to practice balance, accepting that I will occasionally fall over. It’s okay. I like not fitting in.