Sorry, not sorry.

“If you walked away from someone who wasn’t treating you right or loving you like you deserve… that is power. Own it. You loved yourself right out of the life of someone who didn’t love you enough. It doesn’t get any more powerful than that.”

Mandy Hale

I’m sorry. Excuse me. Oh, I messed up. My apologies. My fault… I. am. sorry.

We all do it. Or at least a lot of people I know do. I certainly do. Apologize. Relentlessly. It’s like a reflex for me. Running late. I’m sorry. Didn’t get back to you right away. I’m sorry. I can’t go out with you tonight. I’m sorry. Apology after apology. Truth is I am sorry but you know what? I was running late because I am busy! I didn’t get back to you right away because I had 5 other people to connect with that had more urgent issues. I couldn’t go out with you tonight because I had already made other plans. OR, maybe I just needed a night off to be an introvert. So why am I so sorry? Trying to please everyone all of the time gets you absolutely no where except on a bumpy road to Stressville where the people are cranky and the food sucks.

Everyone has their own reasons for being overly apologetic but I honed my skill in my marriage. Everything always seemed to be my fault. I jumped on the apology wagon quickly so as to try to soften the verbal blows. The anger and the blame. The argument. I didn’t matter what the subject was. I was sorry.

And when I walked away, guess what I said. “I am sorry.”

Walking away from someone who is an important part of your life is extremely difficult. I say an important part but understand that my meaning of ‘important’ is not necessarily positive or negative. Important means they made an impact.

I have walked away from a few people these past years (in addition to that guy). Walked away because they have treated me with disrespect, with jealousy, with indifference. Some people covered them all. All of them have loved me in their own way. I don’t believe that any of them were out to hurt me. But I walked away. I walked away for me.

And I didn’t apologize.

I recently had to turn away from one of the people I love most in the world. I had to turn away because I could not help him. And I tried. Believe me I tried. I tried so hard it took a piece of me that I will never get back. This person is not a bad person. This person just does not see what he is doing to himself and to others. This person refuses to help himself. So I walked away. I walked away for me.

I walked away for me so that one day maybe I can help him when he is ready to be helped. So that I can be whole and strong and ready to help him.

Do you judge me? Go ahead. I walked away for me. Not for you. Not for them. For me. Because I got hurt. Because I was mistreated. So why would I apologize for doing what is right for me? You may not understand my reasons and you may not agree with me but that is your business and not mine.

I walked away from someone I love and it hurt. I walked away and I will not apologize.

I am not sorry.