“Do not touch me and keep your soul out of your fingertips… Die into me or don’t come to me at all.”Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Loneliness is proving to be tougher than I thought. I am surrounded by friends and family. I have a full life and I am happy. Yet there is that hole. Something missing. I spend my days full and loved and still go home alone. And wake up alone. I wish I would be okay with this. I want to be okay with this. I want to fully appreciate all that I have without feeling the presence of this hole. This stupid aching hole.
When I was gathering the courage to leave, I came to terms with the possibility that I would spend the rest of my life without a partner. I was okay with that. Anything had to be better than what I was living. If I had to do it again, I would make the same choice over and over. But I did not expect to feel this ache. This ache angers me as it is an invasion of my happiness. Yet I refuse to settle for something that just exists to fill that hole. That is not my fairy tale and I want the fairy tale.
I want the fairy tale and in that fairy tale I have a new best friend. My old one didn’t work out too well. He made me feel worthless. He made me feel unwanted. This was someone that I thought, I hoped, would be my best friend. I was foolish and naive.
I am still struggling to overcome the damage from my last best friend. Honestly, I am not sure I am ready for a new one yet. But I do know that if and when I am ready for a new best friend that he will be kind. He will be strong. As strong as me and as weak as me. It takes strength to be weak. He will take me to places I need to go when I don’t want to go. And when I stubbornly resist – and I will – he will carry me. And I will carry him when he is tired from carrying me. He will teach me and I will teach him. He will get angry with me and I will get angry with him. And he will kiss me like I am the only other person in the world because he will be the only other person in the world.
My best friend will lift me up and push me forward and make me a better person when I don’t know how to be a good person.
He will be my fairy tale. He will be my best friend. And I will not settle for less.