I have a premonition.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you”

Eleanor Roosevelt

I was going over some of my journal entries from the past 4 years wondering what to write about for my next post.  There is a lot to go over.  I write a lot.  I couldn’t decide what should come next.  And then something happened.

I taught my first group fitness class.  I decided last fall that I wanted to pursue this.  I have become so passionate about physical health as well as mental health and have made such great progress on the physical side that I just wanted to help others reach their goals.  I have been dancing around this decision for about 6 months now.  Even making ‘tentative’ commitments to take on some classes and always finding a reason not too.  I would chicken out.  And then something came up for my trainer and he asked me to help out.  I didn’t have much time to think about it.  I paused for a few minutes.  And then I jumped in.  Now or never.  

I loved it.  I loved every minute of it so much.  So much that I couldn’t sleep that night.  While I was lying awake it dawned on me that there is no way I would have done this 4 years ago. 10 years ago.  I lived my life with a ceiling pressing down on me.  That ceiling was a person.  I remember every time I wanted to do better, be better, I would hit my head on that ceiling.  That ceiling that would tell me why I couldn’t. That my idea was stupid.  Or didn’t even exist.  And I believed it every time.  Dismissing my idea or cutting short a side project to make sure dinner was served.  That was my ceiling.

So after this first class and the sleepless night that followed, I went back and reviewed my writing once again and thought I would share this one written from when I was still so close to the edge of that rabbit hole…

1 Year and 7 months after.  Who Am I now?
I look back on who I was and I don’t recognize myself.  I know that is a good thing but who was that person?  Why did I become that person?  Was I always that person? Is the person that exists now so very new?  I am astonished and ashamed at that sad and withdrawn shell that existed.  That shell that was me.  And yet I am so afraid of that shell that was me.  Someone that was so sad and weak but yet can bring out a cold fear in me.  Fear that she is not gone and that she can swallow me whole again one day.  Something so sad and weak and yet so powerful and hovering.  Always there.  Always hovering.  I want to not be afraid of that powerfully weak hovering shell.  I want take the power away from that shell.  

I read this now and I know that there is no longer any power to that shell.  I do not fear it.  I fear other things.  But I do not fear becoming that person I no longer recognize.  I understand how she got to be and understanding took her power away.  I look at fear in a new way now.   I look at fear and I see a challenge.  I look at fear and I see a fitness trainer.  A business professional.  An artist.  A writer.  

I have a premonition that soars on silver wings,
It is a dream of my accomplishments
Of many wondrous things.
I do not know under which sky,
Or where I will challenge fate.
I only know it will be high.
I only know it will be great”

Thank you Audrey for sharing this with me while I was fighting that shell.  You knew I would win.