“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”Marilyn Monroe
I have not changed. I am the same person as I don’t believe people change their true selves. I believe they hide pieces of themselves. Either to look better to others or to appear stronger than they are or maybe just to cope. I believe I have always been this person but have hidden so many important pieces of me because I felt I had no other choice. I hid them because I was afraid how people would see me. And then I hid more pieces because I was afraid of… my life. I am strong but I could not show it as I had to be the weaker one. I am smart but I could not show it as I had to be the dumber one. I am beautiful but I could not show it as I had to be the lesser one.
Now I can be all of those things with no fear. It is overwhelming. My life has changed. The people in my life are changing. The circumstances in my life are changing. These changes are powerful. So powerful that most days I feel completely out of control.
My first year of breaking away from the fear that consumed me in my marriage was exhilarating. A year of freedom. Peace. Laughter. I thought that was it. My life was going forward and I was loving every moment of it. Then year two came along and I crashed. The high was over and before I even began to realize what was happening, year two had come and gone and left me with nothing more than ‘WTF was that?’. In the third year I realized that crash was a result of all the losses that come with a marriage ending. And I was not dealing with my losses. So many wounds to close and so many scars that still needed to form. My emotions overtook me. I was angry. I was overwhelmed. I was frustrated. I was not on a rollercoaster. I WAS a frickin’ rollercoaster.
In the fourth year I finally realized that this is just my life changing and there was and always will be work to do. Lessons to learn. Now just into my fifth year, I continue to make mistakes. Big mistakes. But I am learning from each one of them and that is what matters. I am still learning how to be me and I will always be learning how to be me.
Maybe this is finally normal? (oh boy)