Trusting the broken instincts.

“For it is only when we see the full extent of the damage that we can go about fixing it. Becoming whole again. Cautiously, optimistically, gloriously whole again.”

In the past four years I have met many new people. Each of them have affected me in different ways and contributed to my growth. I have learned. Good things. Bad things. Things about myself. Things about them. I have been told so many times to ‘trust my instincts’ but I never felt comfortable with that. I question my judgment every day. Every. Single. Day. How can I not? I made a very bad judgment 28 years ago. That bad judgement lasted 24 years. But I learned valuable lessons from it. I had to dig deep for the why of those lessons and still pick away at them. Digging. Making sure I don’t make that same bad judgement again. ‘Trust my instincts’. Where were those instincts then? My instincts lied to me. If a friend lies to you do you trust them again? Or do they need to earn it back? If your instincts lie to you, do they need to earn your trust back as well? Hell yes. My instincts betrayed me and I am angry with them.

I was getting pretty sick of being told to just ‘trust’. I have given that trust away before only to be kicked in the kidneys. So when someone I recently met wisely pointed out to me that my instincts are damaged and that trust needed to be earned back, I felt like a weight of a small world just lifted. The heavens opened up and angels sang! Ok… exaggerating. But seriously. Someone finally made sense. Someone finally understood that for someone like me, trust is an incredibly fragile thing. Even I didn’t realize how fragile.

So. No more jumping in with both feet blindly trusting that stupid instinct. No more getting kicked in the kidneys. Eyes wide open. Still moving along one foot in front of the other. Still being me. Still leading with my heart. But. Be present. Be kind. Be open. Be cautious. People aren’t always what they appear to be. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. Maybe it just means their instincts are also damaged. Maybe they too are fragile.

Thank you my new friend P.S. for allowing me to see the damage. Really see the damage. To stop denying its existence. For it is only when we see the full extent of the damage that we can go about fixing it. Becoming whole again. Cautiously, optimistically, gloriously whole again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: