“You are confined only by the walls you build yourself”unknown
I build incredibly strong brick walls. They can keep anything and anyone out. The walls are so solid it would take an army to break them. Luckily I have an army. My corner.
My walls took 24 years to build. Brick by brick. Layer by layer. They became bigger. They became stronger. I have been trying to dismantle those walls for 4 years now. Brick by brick. Layer by layer. As I dismantle, the walls weaken. They are cracking. The foundation is old and ugly and so the walls are cracking. The dismantling is becoming easier.
I did not intend to put the walls up. I didn’t even know I was doing it. But once they were up, I thought they kept me safe. I thought they provided protection from a hurtful life. And they did. They also hid my vulnerability. They made me appear stronger. And they kept people out. All people.
They also kept me in. One of the tools I taught myself in order to cope was to verbally abuse myself before he could. I found that if I beat him to the insult, it took the opportunity away from him. If I called myself stupid, there was no argument to start. So I verbally and emotionally abused myself. Stupid, fat, ugly. I covered them all. I became very good at it. So good at it that the inside of those walls started to become not such a nice safe place anymore. I could walk away from him but walking away from me proved to be far more difficult. What do you do when hate lives on the inside of the wall?
Those walls were the ultimate barrier. Breaking them down is not only letting love into my life, it is allowing me to let go of all the hate that was locked inside. Allowing me to love myself. Because I should. Because I am worthy. We are all worthy.
And so the walls are coming down. It is taking a long time for I am an excellent masonry. But I am also becoming an excellent wrecking ball operator!