The helpless independent.

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

I just had surgery yesterday. I needed to get my bunions fixed. I hate even saying that! It makes me sound old and frail. I know that is silly but still… It’s my foot and I can be silly.

I have been putting it off for years. Originally had it scheduled for the fall of 2016 but chickened out at the last minute. I had just separated from my husband earlier that year and was finally getting my independence back and functioning as a happy healthy adult again. So I just wasn’t ready.

So early 2020 I decided to get myself back on the list. I couldn’t put it off any longer… but then ‘you know what’ happened and that list was a long wait. I finally got the call at the end of April and was scheduled in for May 13. Friday May 13. Why not? I’m not superstitious so it’s as good a time as any.

I was away visiting my brother when I got the call so by the time I got home, I had 10 days to prepare. Making lists and checking things twice. Scrambling to figure out how I was going to get around for the next 6 weeks plus with only one functioning foot.

I worked long hours to get completely caught up with my business. I cleaned my house and did my yard work. I rearranged my house to make things easier. I planned, I shopped, I moved things, I packed things… I got ready physically.

But mentally? Sheesh… that one was beyond a checklist.

I have written before about the importance of asking for help and how challenging this has been for me for a very long time. Most of my adult life being afraid or ashamed to ask for help. It is a skill I have been working hard at for the past 6 years, 4 months and 8 days to be exact. And I am now scheduled in for my final exam. A real life test.

And so far I am proud to report I am passing with flying colors. I have help enlisted around every corner. And all because I felt confident enough to to ask. I didn’t just let this date come without much mention. No, “I’m fine on my own”. Because I knew I wouldn’t be. I knew I needed help and I am accepting that I cannot do this on my own.

And now I am proving to myself (even though I have always known it deep down) that asking for help is not only courageous but proof that I am truly not alone. I never have been. I just had to stop being so scared to see it. To depend on someone else without the fear of being hurt. Does it make me nervous? A little, yes. But nerves are a part of life. Que Sera Sera.

I am not scared anymore. I am not alone anymore. I am helplessly independent. And loved. So loved.

Special thanks to T and S for being by my side. XOXO.

(And also to note that if you are first hearing about this please know that it does not mean you are any less special to me… I just haven’t had enough time to get to all the wonderful people in my life to keep you in the loop… still love you all!)

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